The Art of Christian Parenting: Dana and Steve

Several weeks ago, after reading through our recent discussion of marriage rights, a friend of mine expressed interest in a similar series of interviews regarding Christian parenting. What follows is a result of that request.

For many parents (realistically, all parents), helping our children move from helpless infants to responsible, loving adults is a daunting task. Even more so, helping our children develop a vibrant and growing faith seems simultaneously critical and without an instruction manual.

In an effort to broaden our perspectives on Christian parenting, I have chosen four couples to interview. 

The two people whose interview follows are the parents of two children, ages 27 and 32. They do not currently attend a Christian congregation, and may be referred to as “non-institutional” Christians (I don’t think they would argue with that and would be proud to be known as such). These two have the parental advantage of having “been there” and survived, raising two pretty spectacular human beings into adulthood. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, these two lovely people are my parents. Sharing a name, my Dad kindly refers to me as “Steven the Younger” and his nickname is “Big Steve.” I will use his moniker to differentiate between our questions and answers. Steve and Dana’s interviews are presented back to back for your perusal. Feel free to carry on the conversation in the comments below!

The Parents of Rachel, 27, and Steve, 32:

Name: Dana Fouse

Current Occupation: Registered Nurse

Religious Background (please be as specific as possible): Independent Christian Church

Current Congregation/Religious Institution: Independent from the organized church

Steve: What do you see as your role in teaching your children about God?

Dana: Since my children are adults my role in teaching them about God has not really changed. When I first became a parent, at the birth of Steven, the love of God became alive to me in a way it had not previously. I loved my son with everything in me. I still do. Realizing that my capacity to love is miniscule compared to the creator God I began of life of awe toward God. That continues despite my breaking from the church. It was my goal at the birth of Steven to convey to my children this incomprehensible love of God.

With the birth of my second child, Rachel, God’s love took on a new depth for me. To be honest, when I was pregnant with Rachel I was afraid that I would not be able to love her as much as I love Steven. I could not imagine another human being as wonderful as my son. At her birth I immediately knew better. It was obvious that God designed us with a limitless capacity to love. My heart seemed to literally grow. 

When they were children Steve and I worked our lives around what we felt was best for them. Our careers and free time were focused around being available to our children. We wanted them to know how valued and loved they were by us. We were hoping (and praying) that living a life of love and devotion to them would teach them by example how valued and loved they were by God.

We also made church a routine part of our lives. We wanted our children to develop a love of the bible, just like we have. We wanted them to have understanding and to develop a genuine faith of their own.

One or both of us also prayed with our children every night. It was a decision we made to help our children seek God and learn to listen for His voice. We would pray for our family and for their friends. We also prayed with them about others who were not kind and those who did not have good lives. Finally, we thanked God for all we had. This was part of teaching them to be thankful and to avoid greediness.

As adults I still try to let them know of my faithfulness toward them. It is still my desire that they see God’s love for them through me.

With the birth of my four grandsons I see God’s love in yet another way. Grandparents’ love for their grandchildren is free of the responsibility to make them descent human beings. It is a love of pure joy. Just thinking of my grandsons brings a smile to my face. They make me feel lighthearted in any situation. I love to think that God takes that kind of joy in us.

Steve: What approach do you take to your children’s questions about God? How do you answer?

Dana: With questions about God I tried to be completely honest. When the answer could be found in the bible, which is where we would look, then we would discuss it together. Many times the answer would come from personal life experiences. My father and younger sister died when I was a child. These experiences helped me to explain loss and grief to Steven and Rachel. Being a nurse gave me many experiences with which to explain compassion and self-sacrifice and the pain that others endure. 

Steve: What doctrines or beliefs do you believe are critical to your children’s understanding of God?

Dana: The love of God for His creation is by far the most critical belief for children’s understanding of God.

All parents make mistakes. I believe that if a child understands and knows in his heart that he is of supreme value and is unconditionally loved by his parents, and thus God, those mistakes will be of no consequence. Of course, this requires the parent(s) to love the child unconditionally and to express how valued he is.

This is not to say that one approves of every action or behavior of your child. It is the parents’ responsibility to help their child develop acceptable behaviors. It is also the parents’ responsibility to help their child understand the difference between their behavior and their being. Love is a choice. To not love is also a choice. I can imagine no circumstance in which I would choose to not love my children.

Steve: What religious practices do you participate in with your children? What role do you believe religious practices play in your children’s understanding of God?

Dana: As children we took our offspring to church weekly. They were involved in Sunday school and vacation bible school and youth groups. Steve and I were also active in church. In our home we read bible stories when they were young and literature by Christian authors. We read the bible. We prayed. We sang worship music at home and in the car. I kept scripture plaques on the walls. We discussed God in our lives when the opportunities presented themselves (usually daily.)  

Steve: If you could give one piece of advice to new parents about teaching their children about God, what would it be?

Dana: Love them. Especially when they are young, keep your lives focused around what is best for them. Everything they will believe about God and the world will depend on how valued and loved they believe they are.

Parenthood is completely self-sacrificing. It has to be. Our children are dependent on us for everything.They will grow up incredibly fast. (You will have years for “me time.”) It can be exhausting. It can be maddening. It can be the most rewarding thing you will ever do with your life.

By loving them and helping them to know they are valued they will be open to understanding how loved and valued they are by God.

Steve: What do you see as your most important responsibility regarding your children’s relationship with God?

Dana: My most important responsibility regarding my children’s relationship with God was to help them develop an understanding of God’s love for them. If a person does not feel loved they will spend their lives seeking love. The one who feels loved is free. This person can then live the life God intends for us all…to love Him and to love others.

Name: Steve Fouse, Sr.

Current Occupation: Training Supervisor

Religious Background:  I was raised in the Southern Baptist Church. As an adult, for many years I attended independent Christian churches, along with my wife and children. The last church I was a part of was called a community church, but it was started by a group of Baptists. They were not exactly Baptist anymore, but most of the folks who attended there came from that background. 

Current Congregation/Religious Institution:  Currently, I do not attend any church, although I am still a follower of Jesus. Since my wife and I stopped going to church about 3 years ago, I have been freer to ask questions and form opinions and beliefs that wouldn’t have been consistent with what was taught in the churches I once attended. You might call me a Divine Nobody or a Free Believer. Generally, my relationship with Christ is closer and more genuine that it ever was before. The changes that have come in my faith cause me to place a greater emphasis on loving people and being compassionate, as Jesus was, and less concerned about sin and guilt. I believe that God sees us as holy because of our redemption through Christ. I would love to be part of a church or fellowship group of people on the same kind of journey as I am. I don’t know of one anywhere near me.

Steve: What do you see as your role in teaching your children about God? 

Big Steve: Faith was important in our family when my children were young, and so my wife and I attempted to live our faith as examples to them. We told them about our faith, we read them Bible stories and other faith-oriented books appropriate to the age and understating, we prayed with them, and we took them to church and Sunday school. Helping our children to come to know Jesus was of utmost importance to us, and we saw it as a profound responsibility.

Steve: What approach do you take to your children’s questions about God? How do you answer?

Big Steve: I don’t remember any specific examples. I hope that I was open to their questions and didn’t discourage them from asking any kind of question. If I were raising kids today, that is the approach I would take. Also, I think it is important to give children answers to their questions that are equal to their ability to understand at whatever age they are, not to be patronizing, but to try not to give them more information than they are looking for or can handle.

Steve: What doctrines or beliefs do you believe are critical to your children’s understanding of God?

Big Steve: God loves us exactly as we are. He knows that we are frail and broken and that we are unable to defeat the sins in our lives that prevent us from being who he wants us to be, that damage us, and damage others around us. He wants to have relationship with us. He wants us to know that He loves us like parents love their children, because we are his children. He is not angry or vindictive. If something bad, or even horrible, happens to us, it is not because he is angry or because he wants to punish us. He gave us free will, so He allows us to do sinful things. He wanted us to know Him so much that He sent Jesus to become like us and show us a way to Him. Jesus did not die on the cross because God was so pissed off at our sinfulness that He just had to kill someone. I believe Jesus’ death was to show us the extent to which God would go to help us understand that He loves us, and that we could be free of guilt and religious obligations and human attempts to be holy.

He became human in an effort to help us understand and love him. Jesus is our example. He was not self-righteous, and did not lay heavy guilt on people. Rather, he loved them. As followers of Jesus, that is what we are called to do: love people. Not condemn them or despise them, but to love them.

My faith and beliefs about Jesus have evolved over the years. When my children were young, I held a more orthodox Evangelical view of God and Christ, and that was the view I taught my children. If I were raising children now, I would emphasize to my children the beliefs I discuss above.  

Steve:  What religious practices do you participate in with your children? What role do you believe religious practices play in your children’s understanding of God? 

Big Steve: The practices we participated in are outlined in number 1 above. I think those practices were important in helping my children develop their faith, and to understand the importance of that faith in their lives.

Steve: If you could give one piece of advice to new parents about teaching their children about God, what would it be?

Big Steve: Emphasize to your children that God loves them, that He wants to know them, and that He hears them when they talk to Him. Help your children to see that God is a God of grace, and that He wants to love them and walk with them. He does not want to punish or condemn them.

Steve: What do you see as your most important responsibility regarding your children’s relationship with God?

Big Steve: I think it is supremely important that parents not only teach children about faith, but that the model their faith as much as possible. In other words, what a parent does, and how he lives has a bigger impact on what a child learns and believes about God than what the parent says. In other words, walk the walk, don’t just talk the talk. (Sorry, but sometimes a cliché says things most clearly. I guess that’s how some of the get to be clichés.)

The Art of Christian Parenting:

Erica and Thom, liberal Christian parents of one daughter

Eric and Krista, conservative Christian parents of one son and three daughters

Keith and Melissa, progressive Christian parents of one daughter and two sons

Dana and Steve, non-institutional Christian parents of one daughter and one son

Drama-Fil-A; Or, What’s Going On with That Chicken Place?

After I got home from work tonight, I checked my Facebook feed, as I often do after work. The thing was flooded with dramatic declarations of fealty to or horror at Chick-Fil-A.

I don’t know exactly what happened to incite such a firestorm, so I went to Chick-Fil-A’s Facebook page. I clicked the link to see recent comments from my fellow Facebookians, and read…and read…and read…for about 15 minutes. I determined that, sometime in the recent past, Chick-Fil-A’s CEO (maybe?) publicly stated that he (in particular) believes marriage should be only between a man and a woman. Fine, whatever – I don’t particularly care what he thinks. I just think their chicken is tasty.

I believe people are entitled to their opinions, even when I disagree with them. However, Jim Henson’s company recently broke ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the announcement, and now people are getting all bug-eyed on both sides of the issue.

Kermit is apparently green AND rainbow

So I thought about what I think: Will I still continue to eat at Chick-Fil-A in light of this announcement and the backlash? Does Chick-Fil-A openly discriminate against people in the LGBTQ community if they come in to eat? Why would a business alienate a portion of the population that are potential customers? Do I really think Chick-Fil-A is trying to take a public stand against marriage equality, or is this something that was blown out of proportion?

Jesus, you should have gone with the nuggets, man, and a half-and-half tea

So, I thought about Chick-Fil-A, and I decided to unLike them on Facebook. And I may never eat there again. Here’s why:

1) I Don’t Feel So Great After I Eat at Chick-Fil-A
You know how your face kind of feels greasy after you eat fried food? I’m not a big fan of that feeling. I don’t think I should have to wash my face after eating a meal to feel better.

2) Chick-Fil-A is Pretty Pricey for Fast Food
With my family of four, I can easily throw down $20+ on one meal at Chick-Fil-A. Do you know how many tables I have to wait to make $20? (Well, that depends – but usually more than one.)

3) Chick-Fil-A is Kind of Creepy
Anytime you say, “Thank You,” the Chick-Fil-A worker is required to say, “My pleasure.” I have hated this for a long time. Apparently, none of these people know what it means to say, “My pleasure.” It means that, whatever just happened, you gained more pleasure from it that I did or will. Really? Refilling my tea for the second time elicited a forced “my pleasure” from you? I’m certainly not convinced, or you need to reexamine the things from which what you get pleasure. Why not let the staff pick their own way of expressing “You’re Welcome”?

You know those quotes change the meaning of this message right? And that’s “creepy”?

4) Dang It, Waffle Fries, You Aren’t Supposed to Be Floppy
You’re supposed to be crispy on the outside and potatoey on the inside. You’re supposed to be my favorite Chick-Fil-A Sauce delivery system. Instead, you’re floppy and weak. And greasy. No thanks.

If I had a swimming pool…

5) I Like Christian Pop Music and All, But…
Wait. No I don’t. At least the sound of the kids screaming will mostly drown it out as it plays over the speakers.

And finally, the bottom line about why I will definitely not frequent and may not eat at Chick-Fil-A again:

6) When I Want Chicken, I Don’t Want a Side of Drama
I just want chicken. Chick-Fil-A no longer comes drama-free. If I eat there, will I be supporting a company that oppresses others, or not? If Chick-Fil-A doesn’t like gay people because Chick-Fil-A is “Christian,” how do they feel about Muslims? How do they feel about my Buddhist friends? How do they feel about Agnostics or Atheists?

And why the Hell does this have anything to do with Chicken?!?!?!

Is this really what’s going on?

So I’ll be taking the bulk of my meals, if not all of them, somewhere peaceful.

Eating at home is a healthier, more money-saving idea anyway.

Oh, and you should read this article. It might clear some things up for you:

http://www.getreligion.org/2012/07/wheres-the-beef-what-the-chick-fil-a-boss-really-said/

But I’ll still be eating at home. Drama free.

The Art of Christian Parenting: Keith and Melissa

Several weeks ago, after reading through our recent discussion of marriage rights, a friend of mine expressed interest in a similar series of interviews regarding Christian parenting. What follows is a result of that request.

For many parents (realistically, all parents), helping our children move from helpless infants to responsible, loving adults is a daunting task. Even more so, helping our children develop a vibrant and growing faith seems simultaneously critical and without an instruction manual.

In an effort to broaden our perspectives on Christian parenting, I have chosen four couples to interview.

The two people whose interview follows are the parents of three children, ages 5, 7, and 10. They attend a Southern Baptist congregation when they aren’t traveling, and may be referred to as “progressive” Christians (I don’t think they would argue with that and would be proud to be known as such). Their interviews are presented back to back for your perusal. Feel free to carry on the conversation in the comments below!

The Parents of Jackson, age 5; Jaden, age 7; and Dillon, age 10:

Name: Melissa Coast

Current Occupation: Mom, Home school Teacher, Cub Scout den leader. 

Religious Background: Christian. I grew up in various Pentecostal denominations, then married a Baptist youth minister (who is now a Family Entertainer/Children’s Evangelist) and attended a few Baptist churches before switching to a House Church setting. The term “Bapti-costal” comes to mind. As for what I would call myself now, I suppose the term “Follower of Jesus” suits me best. Yep. I’m one of those, on that band wagon. When and if I ever think of a better term to call myself, I will drop the “Jesus Follower” label. But for now, it’s the best I got.

Current Congregation/Religious Institution: We attend a Baptist Church on Sunday mornings semi-regularly.

Steve: What do you see as your role in teaching your children about God?

Melissa: Well, that has changed a lot over the last decade. I used to think that it was our job as parents to teach our kiddos about God with the help of Sunday School teachers, and various “staff” ministers of an institutional church. 

Now, I feel that the majority of the “teaching about God” that goes on is mainly at home, with the parents. But I don’t expect to be my kids’ only spiritual teacher. I’m ok with others adding their views of the world, God and the Bible into the mix for my kids to contemplate.

I believe that God is perfectly capable of revealing Himself to my kiddos and teaching my kids about Himself. All I need to concern myself with is helping my kids identify when God is communicating with them. God communicates with us in so many ways.

When they have those moments where they think they’ve heard God speak to them, I help them work through whether or not that was really God speaking, and if not, why? Or if it really was God, what are you going to do with what He told you or showed you? I really believe the one most critical things I can teach my kids is how to hear from God. That’s a big part of my role.

Steve: What approach do you take to your child/children’s questions about God? How do you answer? (Feel free to include an instance you remember).

Melissa: Ok, so I am the one who is physically asked, “Mom, Why did God create us?” But like I said before, I prefer to point my kids towards finding out those answers from God himself. Not that I use that as a cop-out to get out of answering a difficult question.

Usually when a question about God, life, or religion arises my first response is, “What do you think?” I find that most times when I handle questions this way, I learn something amazing from my kids. They actually teach me a lot about God, simply by listening to them working out their own questions about God. Once they’ve given me their opinion about their own question and seem interested in discussing it further, I tell them my honest opinion. Sometimes I will freely admit, “I don’t know for sure.” If they ask me about something that at that particular moment in life I am confused about and trying to work out, I tell them that. I tell them why I’m confused and also give other peoples’ views of the same issue too, even if they differ greatly from mine. I encourage them to ask God to help them work it out. Then, I leave it to them to make up their own minds on what the answer to their question is.

I love that kids question everything, and I want them to keep asking questions. So, I feel if I answer my kiddos in such a way that they have to keep asking questions and direct some of those to God instead of me, then I’ve done my job.

Steve: What doctrines or beliefs do you believe are critical to your child/children’s understanding of God?

Melissa: I want my kids to know just how special Jesus Christ is. I want them to see why their Dad and I have chosen to follow Him. I want them to understand and believe what Jesus did for humanity. (And by that I mean that he redeemed all of mankind when he died on the cross, and also that he taught us how to love EVERYONE with God’s love.) Believing that is extremely important, for it reshapes our view of humanity and the world. 

I try to pay attention and use teachable moments in life where by example, I respond “Christ’s” way, and share how/why it’s so revolutionary to do so. Jesus really did bring to earth a radical way of living. I want my kids to see what following Jesus looks like, and I want to show them in deeds every chance I get. Do I fail a lot? Absolutely. But even in the failure, there are lessons to be learned. 

Whether my kids will agree with me all their lives, I don’t know. But I don’t want them keeping these views of faith, God, and religion because they are taking my word for it. I want them to have thought it out, tested and tried EVERYTHING that has been handed to them as far as spiritual teaching goes, whether it be from me someone else. 

I suppose then, that the other most critical belief I could teach my kids is that asking questions and testing what you know (and not being afraid of that process) is what gives you a strong, alive Faith. 

Steve: What religious practices do you participate in with your child/children? What role do you believe religious practices play in your children’s understanding of God?

Melissa: We attend a Baptist Church on the Sunday mornings that we are in town, and when we are not in town, we are usually at some other church, of various Christian denominations. We also visit a lot of Christian Children’s Pre-Teen Camps during the summer, as my husband is usually the Camp Pastor at those various camps all summer long. Since it’s usually their Dad bringing the message at the camps, they hear a lot of the same stories over and over again. I’m not sure what kind of impact the camps have on my kids’ spirituality. I suppose time will tell what exactly they are getting out of it, and what role it will play in their lives.

As far as the local church services/Sunday school goes, I was not particularly thrilled with the idea of the institutional church ‘indoctrinating’ my kids with what to believe, how to interpret the Bible, how to be a good Christian, etc. But I would let my kids go with their Grandma to church and guess what? They loved Sunday School and Children’s church. They loved hearing the Bible stories, and really liked their teachers. So, I re-examined how I felt about them going and participating and I realized that as long as we had a talk afterwards and discussed what they remembered and were taking away from the lessons, there really wasn’t any harm in it. So, now, we all go to church on Sundays. The kids have fun in their classes, and my husband and I enjoy our time discussing spiritual matters with our adult Sunday School class too.

Steve: If you could give one piece of advice to new parents about teaching their children about God, what would it be?

Melissa: Well, I’m not sure if I’m qualified to give any advice, as I’m still in the middle of raising my kids and don’t really know for sure if I’m even “doing it right” or not. But from my own experience I would say that kids innately know a lot more about God than we can imagine. So, let them teach you about Him sometimes! My 5 year-old’s insights about God sometimes blow me away. And I’ll bet your children’s will too. Let them tell you things, you’ll be surprised what you can learn about God if you let them do the talking!

Steve: What do you see as your most important responsibility regarding your child/children’s relationship with God?

Melissa: I think I have two main responsibilities.

One: I feel a heavy responsibility to show them that God is Love and that is the most important thing. Love is everything! I want them to see that if they follow a path and make decisions where they see Love present, they are probably following God himself. And that is where they will be happy, find the most peace, and find true joy in this life.

My other responsibility regarding my kiddos’ relationship with God is to: Get Out of God’s Way. I realize I’m a huge example and mentor in my kids’ spiritual lives, but I very much want them to be in control of their relationship with God, not Mom and Dad, not a religious teacher, or any other person in their lives.

I do NOT want my kids following Jesus simply because I do. I want them to love God because they know him and know His love for them and have a relationship all their own. Do I believe that Jesus’ way is the truth and the life? Yep. Do I want my kids to find that same truth and life? Yes. But never because I told them to. A very wise friend of mine told me that, “The truth needs no defense.” My children don’t need me to act as Jesus’ defense attorney and convince them that He is real, or the way. If they have learned from a young age how to converse with God, I have nothing to worry about. I trust God to take good care of them and love them, far better than I ever will, no matter what happens, or what they choose to believe.

Name: Keith Coast

Current Occupation: Family Entertainer/ Evangelist

Religious Background: I grew up the son of a Southern Baptist Preacher. We lived in small towns throughout Oklahoma and Texas, and smaller congregations for the most part (200 or less). Practically lived at the church. I decided to follow Jesus at the age of 8. At the age of 21 I was ordained into the Gospel Ministry within the Baptist denomination. I have served in church leadership since I was 18 in volunteer/part/full time. For the last 10 years I have had a traveling world-wide ministry, working primarily with kids and families. I consider myself a Post-Protestant, a Follower of Jesus.

Current Congregation/Religious Institution: I believe I am a part of the world-wide congregation. I celebrate wherever I go, with whomever I’m with. I’m a traveling teacher/preacher. Whenever we are “home” we may attend Cameron Baptist, or a house-church group.

Steve: What do you see as your role in teaching your children about God?

Keith: More of a guide, rather than a teacher. My kids always surprise me as to their knowledge of spiritual matters. I would prefer not to plant ideas in my kids’ minds if possible, and see what they come up with. It’s more inspiring to me to hear what they have to say most times. 

Steve: What approach do you take to your child/children’s questions about God? How do you answer?

Keith: The “answer a question with a question” approach…Jesus used this technique, and I love it! I would much rather my kids come to me with a question, than me give them a lecture. If they ask me a question, I let them try to figure it out as best they can, and then give my response. I could give them my answer right away, but I’d prefer to hear what they have to say and build on that.

Steve: What doctrines or beliefs do you believe are critical to your child/children’s understanding of God?

Keith: The belief that God created us to be in fellowship with him and with other people. To love God with everything you are, and love EVERYONE no matter what. That Jesus made a way for all of us to be with God and that he gave us a better way to live life.

Steve: What religious practices do you participate in with your child/children? What role do you believe religious practices play in your children’s understanding of God?

Keith: The Birth of Christ, Lent, the Celebration of the Resurrection, Prayer

I believe they are more important as they get older, more meaningful. Still trying to sort through a lot of what should be passed on and what is not necessary.

Steve: If you could give one piece of advice to new parents about teaching their children about God, what would it be? 

Keith: Have faith in your God to reveal himself at the appropriate time. Don’t force your beliefs on ANYONE. Live your beliefs, and if you truly believe it, others will notice, especially your kids.

Steve: What do you see as your most important responsibility regarding your child/children’s relationship with God?

Keith: Live what YOU believe. Mean what you say. I’m still learning about God everyday…even from my parents in some instances. For me, I have to have faith that the Spirit of God will guide them down the right path, and maybe I can play a part in that. I want to encourage them and love them, because that is what my parents did for me, and I think I turned out alright.

The Art of Christian Parenting:

Erica and Thom, liberal Christian parents of one daughter

Eric and Krista, conservative Christian parents of one son and three daughters

Keith and Melissa, progressive Christian parents of one daughter and two sons

Dana and Steve, non-institutional Christian parents of one daughter and one son

The Art of Christian Parenting: Eric and Krista

Several weeks ago, after reading through our recent discussion of marriage rights, a friend of mine expressed interest in a similar series of interviews regarding Christian parenting. What follows is a result of that request.

For many parents (realistically, all parents), helping our children move from helpless infants to responsible, loving adults is a daunting task. Even more so, helping our children develop a vibrant and growing faith seems simultaneously critical and without an instruction manual.

In an effort to broaden our perspectives on Christian parenting, I have chosen four couples to interview.

The two people whose interview follows are the parents of four children, ages 4, 6, 8, and 9. They work in paid professional ministry in a conservative Protestant Christian congregation, and may be referred to as “conservative” Christians (I don’t think they would argue with that and would be proud to be known as such). They completed their interview together, stating, “As we have taken on the endeavor of raising children and sharing our lives together, we have decided that we would fill these questions out together as well.”

The Parents of Kaia, age 4; Eliju, age 6; Lillian, age 8; and Grace, age 9:

Names: Eric and Krista Norbury

Current Occupations: Associate Minister (Eric) and Full-Time Student (Krista)

Religious Background: Restoration Movement Non-Denominational (Really Honestly) Christian Church

Current Congregation/Religious Institution: Riverside Christian Church, Booneville, Missouri

Steve: What do you see as your role in teaching your children about God?

Eric and Krista: We see our role as vital in teaching our children about God. Children gain many of their point of views of the world based on what their parents teach them. We look at it as the more we instill in them the love of Christ, they will show the world Christ’s love as well.

Steve: What approach do you take to your child/children’s questions about God? How do you answer?

Eric and Krista: Concerning our children’s questions about God we have always answered them honestly, even when we do not know the answers we will tell them, “I/We don’t know”. Currently we cannot think of any examples.

Steve: What doctrines or beliefs do you believe are critical to your child/children’s understanding of God?

Eric and Krista: Now with all the silly “Christian” doctrines out there that are loosely based on the Bible, we could go on a while about this, but over the course of the last couple of years we have really boiled down what we want our children to believe. I (Eric) have really been jumping up and down on this and it is “Love God, Serve Him with everything you have, and everything else will fall into place.” Because in loving and serving God we are loving and serving others, which leads to a selfless faith.

Steve: What religious practices do you participate in with your child/children? What role do you believe religious practices play in your child’s understanding of God?

Eric and Krista: Our religious practices include but are not limited to going to church every Sunday and praying with them. Of course there is the living a Godly example with them and for them every day. The role that these practice play in our families life is vital to who we are and our understanding of God. Church keeps us plugged in with other believers and helps encourage and strengthen them, it gives them a perspective of following Christ that is different from just us (Krista and Eric). Praying with them helps them see that God is approachable and helps them understand that he is someone that we can always talk to about anything. We pray with our kids every night before they go to bed, before we leave on trips and before meals. We have also shown them times where we pray with people that need prayer. Through it all we have shown them when God has answered our prayers, e.g. the church we are serving at. We prayed as a family that God would guide us to where he wants us to serve and he could not have led us to a church that is better for us.

Steve: If you could give one piece of advice to new parents about teaching their children about God, what would it be?

Eric and Krista: The one piece of advice we would give is: Live out your faith, showing truth in love. Don’t be half-hearted in your faith. Give them the examples that you want them to live out, by living it out yourself.

Steve: What do you see as your most important responsibility regarding your child/children’s relationship with God?

Eric and Krista: We would agree on that our most important responsibilities are to tell them that Christ died for them and lived and example for us. Then to live out, as best as we can, that example for them, so that they can see it and get a better understanding of it.

The Art of Christian Parenting:

Erica and Thom, liberal Christian parents of one daughter

Eric and Krista, conservative Christian parents of one son and three daughters

Keith and Melissa, progressive Christian parents of one daughter and two sons

Dana and Steve, non-institutional Christian parents of one daughter and one son

The Art of Christian Parenting: Erica and Thom

Several weeks ago, after reading through our recent discussion of marriage rights, a friend of mine expressed interest in a similar series of interviews regarding Christian parenting. What follows is a result of that request.

For many parents (realistically, all parents), helping our children move from helpless infants to responsible, loving adults is a daunting task. Even more so, helping our children develop a vibrant and growing faith seems simultaneously critical and without an instruction manual.

In an effort to broaden our perspectives on Christian parenting, I have chosen four couples to interview.

The two people whose interview follows are the parents of an only child. They attend a mainline Protestant Christian congregation, and may be referred to as “liberal” Christians (I don’t think they would argue with that and would be proud to be known as such). Their interviews are presented back to back for your perusal. Feel free to carry on the conversation in the comments below!

The Parents of Gabriela, age 5:

Name: Erica Stark

Current Occupation: Outreach Associate

Religious Background (please be as specific as possible): Stone-Campbell (Christian Church/Churches of Christ)

Current Congregation/Religious Institution: St. Luke’s United Methodist Church

Steve: What do you see as your role in teaching your children about God?

Erica: Instructor, yes, but more than that, a facilitator. As an adult, the ideas I have about God have already been through a number of filters, and I’ve experienced several shifts in thinking and in my beliefs. She hasn’t. So rather than transmit what I think or what I have come to believe, I try to help her figure out what she thinks – to allow her faith to be child-like and simple, and to allow exploration.

Steve: What approach do you take to your child/children’s questions about God? How do you answer?

Erica: I try always to be honest with her, but keeping in mind what I already mentioned, that she has not been through the various shifts in thinking that I have. Most often, one question of hers is countered with two or three of my own. Just yesterday she was asking me, “Mom, where is God?” Rather than answering with what I have been taught, or even what I believe, I let her answer the question. “Ela, where do you think God is?” I don’t want to transfer a carbon copy of my faith onto her; I want her to develop her own faith and an ability to think through the mysteries of life. Sometimes after a lengthy back-and-forth of question tossing, we both conclude, “I don’t really know.” And that’s ok. 

She’s still a little young for this, but as she gets older and I do attempt to answer a question outright, I want be sure that she understands that my belief in something doesn’t make it law. That in fact, many others probably already believe differently than I do, and that she’s free to explore other possible answers. 

Steve: What doctrines or beliefs do you believe are critical to your child/children’s understanding of God?

Erica: The most basic doctrines about God are the ones she, or anyone for that matter, needs to be given. What she needs to understand is that God loves. Even at her age, she can build upon that one basic belief.

Steve: What religious practices do you participate in with your child/children? What role do you believe religious practices play in your child’s understanding of God?

Erica: We sing a lot. Her favorite hymn is, “His Eye is on the Sparrow.” We also explore the practices of other faiths. Last Christmas we gave Hanukkah a try. It was fun, and reading the prayers added a depth to our holiday experience. 

I think these practices show her that it’s ok to enjoy herself as she explores, and they create a sense of wonder.

Steve: If you could give one piece of advice to new parents about teaching their children about God, what would it be?

Erica: Allow your children to ask lots of questions, and don’t fret when you don’t have a perfect answer. Allow yourself to explore along with your child. 

Steve: What do you see as your most important responsibility regarding your child/children’s relationship with God?

Erica: To create a safe and nurturing environment for that relationship to develop, not to force any ideas or beliefs onto it. She will never get in trouble for asking questions, no matter how “out there” they are.

Name: Thom Stark

Current Occupation: Filmmaker, Author

Religious Background: Stone-Campbell Christian

Current Congregation/Religious Institution: St. Luke’s United Methodist Church, Houston, TX

Steve: What do you see as your role in teaching your children about God?

Thom: My role is to cultivate a spirit of inquiry and exploration, rather than to transmit certainties and platitudes. What the world is a question, not a fact.

Steve: What approach do you take to your child/children’s questions about God? How do you answer?

Thom: I do not answer questions; I explain possibilities, and I use stories she understands to explain how the different possibilities work and what they mean. Thor and Oden come up a lot. 

Steve: What doctrines or beliefs do you believe are critical to your child/children’s understanding of God?

Thom: God suffers; God loves; God loves justice. 

Steve: What religious practices do you participate in with your child/children? What role do you believe religious practices play in your child’s understanding of God?

Thom: We sing songs and tell stories. They form her view of the world and help cultivate a sense of joy and wonder when it comes to religion.

Steve: If you could give one piece of advice to new parents about teaching their children about God, what would it be?

Thom: Your child isn’t looking for certainty. That’s something we project onto them.

Steve: What do you see as your most important responsibility regarding your child/children’s relationship with God?

Thom: To cultivate wonder without resorting to dishonesty.

The Art of Christian Parenting:

Erica and Thom, liberal Christian parents of one daughter

Eric and Krista, conservative Christian parents of one son and three daughters

Keith and Melissa, progressive Christian parents of one daughter and two sons

Dana and Steve, non-institutional Christian parents of one daughter and one son

10 Ways to Know that You are Really Following God

Growing up as a child and a teenager in a conservative Christian tradition, I often wondered whether any of us were really on the right track.

“What if we are actually wrong, and the denomination down the street is right? What if both of our denominations are wrong, and the Muslims are actually right? Or what if we’re all just crazy?”

Thoughts like these led me to continually search for an accurate means for figuring out if I was actually following God or if I wasn’t.

This was no easy task. The most rudimentary means to measure my progress was one of external markers. Did I read the Bible every day? Did I pray every day? Did I avoid bad words, bad movies, and bad friends? If so, I’m following God, right?

Not necessarily. Some people, like, say, Jesus, broke all of those external markers. He didn’t read from his Bible every day (scrolls were rare and expensive, and people didn’t just carry them around or have easy access to them). Sometimes Jesus didn’t pray about a problem, but just solved it; other times he would alienate himself for hours or days at a time just to pray. He didn’t avoid improper speech, he never saw any movies, and he hung out with rougher crowds. So external markers aren’t true markers of following God, my reasoning concluded.

So what is a good way to find out if you’re really following God?

A book by Neale Donald Walsch entitled Conversations with God: an Uncommon Dialogue provides a helpful way. In it, Walsch outlines 10 ways to know that you are really following God. It reads as follows:

I have created you – blessed you – in the image and likeness of Me. And I have made certain promises and commitments to you. I have told you, in plain language, how it will be with you when you become as one with Me…

You shall know that you have taken the path to God, and you shall know that you have found God, for there will be these signs, these indications, these changes in you: 

1. You shall love God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul. And there shall be no other God set before Me. No longer will you worship human love, or success, money, or power, nor any symbol thereof. You will set aside these things as a child sets aside toys. Not because they are unworthy, but because you have outgrown them.

2. You shall not use the name of God in vain. Nor will you call upon Me for frivolous things. You will understand the power of words, and of thoughts, and you would not think of invoking the name of God in an unGodly manner. You shall not use My name in vain because you cannot. For My name – the Great “I Am” – is never used in vain (that is, without result), nor can it ever be. And when you have found God you shall know this. 

3. You shall remember to keep a day for Me, and you shall call it holy. This, so that you do not long stay in your illusion, but cause yourself to remember who and what you are. And then shall you soon call every day the Sabbath, and every moment holy. 

4. You shall honor your mother and your father – and you will know you are the Son of God when you honor your Father/Mother God in all that you say or do or think. And even as you so honor the Mother/Father God, and your father and mother on Earth (for they have given you life), so, too, will you honor everyone. 

5. You know you have found God when you observe that you will not murder (that is, willfully kill, without cause). For while you will understand that you cannot end another’s life in any event (all life is eternal), you will not choose to terminate any particular incarnation, nor change any life energy from one form to another, without the most sacred justification. Your new reverence for life will cause you to honor all life forms – including plants, trees and animals – and to impact them only when it is for the highest good. 

6. You will not defile the purity of love with dishonesty or deceit, for this is adulterous. I promise you, when you have found God, you shall not commit this adultery. 

7. You will not take a thing that is not your own, nor cheat, nor connive, nor harm another to have any thing, for this would be to steal. I promise you, when you have found God, you shall not steal. 

Nor shall you… 

8. Say a thing that is not true, and thus bear false witness. 

Nor shall you… 

9. Covet your neighbor’s spouse, for why would you want your neighbor’s spouse when you know all others are your spouse? 

10. Covet your neighbor’s goods, for why would you want your neighbor’s goods when you know that all goods can be yours, and all your goods belong to the world? 

You will know that you have found the path to God when you see these signs. For I promise that no one who truly seeks God shall any longer do these things. It would be impossible to continue such behaviors. (Conversations with God, pages 95-97, bold emphasis mine)

Walsch highlights what is for me the proof of following God – internal changes that radically and dramatically affect how you live your life. These are not simply more external markers, but the living out of a different way of life.

I’ve found this measure to be remarkably accurate for myself. Regardless of the doctrines I accept or not, of the religious practices I participate in or not, if I’m becoming more free of “worldly snares”; if I honor God and every day and every person and every life as sacred; if I’m respecting the commitments and attachments of others; if I’m unattached to fulfilling common desires – then I know I’m following God.

The Kingdom of God is not self-seeking, but self-giving.

The Kingdom of God is free from self- and other-destruction. It respects and builds and loves self and others.

The Kingdom of God is a way of life that changes everything.

20 Marriage Hacks to Transform Your Marriage

Marriage in the United States is in a sad state of affairs, both inside and outside religious institutions.

In a study released in 2008, the Barna Group stated that “when evangelicals and non-evangelical born again Christians are combined into an aggregate class of born again adults, their divorce figure is statistically identical to that of non-born again adults: 32% versus 33%, respectively.” Apparently, being a “born again Christian” doesn’t protect you from the shocking predominance of divorce.

As we’ve observed in our recent discussion of marriage rights, marriage is a complicated issue, encompassing not only legal and spiritual aspects, but also how we think about marriage. While most people recognize that marriage is currently a legal contract with the state and often a spiritual agreement connected to a religious group, what and how people think about marriage is less immediately defined.

With such divorce statistics teeming outside our doors or inside our homes, we need a better marriage. We need to clarify and separate the legal and religious aspects of marriage, so that there is less disagreement and control being exerted between Church and State. 

However, we also need to reevaluate how we think about marriage. This may be the trickiest proposition of all.

Amy and I have been married now for a little more than 11 years. She’s agreed to team up with me and talk about the ways we think about marriage that have been the most beneficial. We have no delusions that what has helped us will change the world, but maybe they will be as beneficial for your marriage as they have been for ours!

Steve’s Top 10 Marriage Hacks:

These are the best thoughts about marriage and relationships that I have gathered over the last 11+ years. They’re in roughly chronological order, which also makes them roughly in order from less complicated to more complicated. 

1) Understand Your Spouse’s Personality

This doesn’t require any fancy tests or great understanding. Just ask yourself (or your spouse) two simple questions: Are you energized by being around people or by being alone? Are you good at completing tasks or connecting with people? The answers to these questions will place you and your spouse into one of four main personality types, based on extroversion or introversion and task-orientation or people-orientation. The four groups are as follows:

• Extroverted (energized by people) and Task-Oriented (good at completing tasks): symbolized by the Lion (commanding, leader-like, loud)

• Extroverted (energized by people) and People-Oriented (good at connecting with people): symbolized by the Otter (chatty, friendly, spontaneous)

• Introverted (energized by being alone) and Task-Oriented (good at completing tasks): symbolized by the Beaver (detailed, precise, analytic)

• Introverted (energized by being alone) and People-Oriented (good at connecting with people): symbolized by the Golden Retriever (loyal, laid-back, organized)

All people have elements of each of these personality types, but most people have one or two that really describe them best. Understanding each of these types, including their strengths and weaknesses, has not only helped me relate to people I meet in my everyday life, but most importantly with Amy. While we both share many of the Golden Retriever qualities, she also has many of the Otter qualities, while I have many of the Beaver qualities. Understanding these differences naturally results in allowing her to be who she is.

2) Publicly Promote Your Spouse

One of the most important bits of advice I picked up from my parents was to be your spouse’s public cheerleader. Talk up their good points to others, and never berate or belittle them to others. This may seem a bit weird, but one of the most damaging things Amy could do would be to talk about my flaws with anyone else. I know I have flaws, and I don’t need them publicized and laughed at. For me (and I suspect many people), respect is a big deal. One of the easiest ways to honor your spouse is to honor them with your words.

3) Learn About Love Languages

One of the books we read earliest in our marriage was The Five Love Languages. Love languages are simply the ways a person expresses and feels loved. The five love languages are, in no particular order: Words, Gifts, Touch, Time, and Service.

Most people express love to people in the way they feel most loved, so if you’re wondering what your spouse’s love language is, chances are they’re speaking it to you. Figure out if they are expressing love through words of affirmation, with thoughtful gifts, with appreciative touch, with quality time, or with acts of service.

If you can identify your spouse’s love language and learn to “speak” it, you’ll have a much easier time expressing your love to your spouse, and in interpreting their actions as trying to express love to you.

4) Listen to Your Spouse – Don’t Try to Fix Their Problems

Guys usually communicate differently that girls do. Girls often talk about problems, and in talking about them, the stress is resolved. Typically, if guys talk about a problem, it is because they are seeking help in finding a solution. (These concepts are most clearly described in For Men Only, I think. It’s been a while since I read it. Either way, people wanting to know more about how women think would be helped by this short read.) In short, guys talk to exchange information and “crowd source” problems; girls talk to relate to each other emotionally, thus resolving the real problem, which is stress, which is resolved by mutual understanding.

After stumbling upon this knowledge, I tried it out. Amy came home talking about something she was stressed out about. I listened, and all I said in response was, “That sounds really tough.” She asked what had happened to me.

This is still something I have to think about. When faced with a problem, my natural instinct is to fix it. But if I can remember that mutual understanding is the real fix to Amy’s stress problem, life is much happier. I get points for “really listening,” and she gets the benefit of having a spouse who understands her. Win-win.

5) Make Sex about Intimacy

Most guys think sex is about physical pleasure. And while sex is physically pleasing, what makes it really great is the connection it can bring.

Sex makes two people vulnerable physically (what’s more vulnerable than being naked and in close quarters?), mentally and emotionally, and spiritually. Highlighting this vulnerability, rather than seeking a pleasurable physical goal, has changed the way I view sex. Reassuring touch, comforting words, and acceptance of your spouse can transform sex from two people grasping for pleasure into two people caring for each other, reassuring each other, and enjoying each other in a safe environment.

Enough about this for now – my parents read this blog!

But this topic leads into another, broader application:

6) Be a Safe Place

The world is tough enough on its own without having a nagging, negative spouse who berates and belittles you.

I don’t know when it happened, but one day Amy and I verbally decided to be a safe place for each other and for those who come to our home.

Since that time, we’ve still had disagreements and “discussions,” but we both have the goal of eliminating negativity toward each other and making our relationship and our home a safe place.

7) Be Your Own Person

Get a hobby. Seriously. Find something you like to do, and do it. You are not the same person as your spouse – you naturally have different interests, however slight they might be. Pursue them. In doing so, you will at least have more to contribute to conversations, and at most have a source for personal fulfillment and satisfaction.

8) Fight Like a 2nd Grader

In my son’s 2nd grade classroom, they had instructions for working out problems. It went something like this:

“When your feelings get hurt, tell the person like this: ‘When you did _________, it made me feel _______.'”

Such a clear expression of emotions seems awkward, and perhaps a bit vulnerable. However, this type of self-expression has ended a number of “discussions” Amy and I have had. Most of the time, people aren’t actually trying to hurt other people’s feelings. And by hearing and understanding how I hurt Amy, I can quickly apologize and know how to avoid hurting her in the future.

Thanks, second-grade teacher, for making our marriage better!

9) Forgive as You Want to Be Forgiven

I am sometimes selfish. Sometimes, I say stupid things I wish I could take back. Sometimes, I really want to be forgiven. I recognize this.

It is fair to say, then, that other people, including my awesome wife, might sometimes be selfish, sometimes say something stupid that they wish they could take back. They might really want to be forgiven. And I have to opportunity to extend to them the forgiveness I’ve wanted.

I think for a long time I’ve viewed people as different from me. I may make mistakes, but other people shouldn’t. Don’t they know they hurt people? Not too long ago, I realized (really realized) that people are just like me. I don’t think my intentions are malicious – I think I’m generally a good person (I really like myself). But sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I slip into selfishness, which is not the direction my life is headed. Sometimes I accidentally hurt others; my actions were interpreted differently than I intended. In those cases, I seek forgiveness. And all of these same thoughts I know try to project onto others. I think people are generally good (I really like people). I don’t think people’s intentions are malicious. They make mistakes, and I misinterpret their actions. And so I forgive them. Wouldn’t I want the same? Of course I would.

Forgiveness, and seeing yourself in others, can radically change your marriage – heck, your whole life.

10) Expect Your Spouse Will Change and Grow

If Amy were the same today as she was 11 years ago, I would think there was something wrong with her. For one thing, she’s older, she’s experienced challenges in her family life, in her professional life, and with her friends. She’s also grown emotionally, spiritually, and in character.

I, too, have changed in all these ways. And your spouse will change, too. Allow your spouse to change emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. Grow with them; learn who they are; and choose to love them and be devoted to them.

Amy’s Top 10 Marriage Hacks:

*Disclaimer: Steven took on lots of the great hacks. But here are 10 he missed.*

1) A Decision to Stick it Out No Matter What

I made a commitment to Steven in front of our family and friends, for better or for worse, on June 3rd, 2001, our wedding day. But it wasn’t until many months later that I truly made that decision for real. It is an easy thing to commit yourself to “better or worse” when you are living in those better moments. Months later in some of our most difficult moments I truly made the decision to commit. I don’t remember the date but I remember that night  in our apartment clearly. I decided to really be with Steven that day and always. I chose to stay and truly invest in our relationship with the full knowledge that sometimes I, like anyone in a real relationship, was going to get hurt. Years later, I now know the beauty and blessings of that decision. All I knew that night was that I was deciding to risk it all and stick it out no matter what.

2) Fully Trusting

Similar to my last marriage hack comes this idea of fully trusting. When I got married I had always been a person who called lots of people friends, but it was a rare thing for most of those people to see the real me. We have all live with our guard up to some extent. We have all been hurt in our lives, and I was no exception. At some point in our marriage, I decided to let Steven into those guarded places, those ones off-limits to almost everyone, and trust him with my whole-heart, not just the nice well-put-together parts. He began to trust me, too. We begin to live in full trust. It is a wonderful thing to be able to fully be yourself and allow your spouse to fully be themselves. It doesn’t happen quick and not easily, but willing to be vulnerable and trust has proved to be well worth the risk.

3) The Secret to Every Argument

The secret to almost every lengthy argument (I know, it happens on occasion) we have ever had comes down to Steven not feeling respected or me not feeling accepted or, most often, both. I don’t know how I came to this secret. I think it was probably in a cheesy marriage book I read or something, but it helped me immensely. With this understanding, we have saved ourselves hours of discussion and tons of heartache.  Thanks cheesy marriage book. Respect and Acceptance. You made our discussions so much simpler. 

4) Living with Adventure

I recently read that one of the keys to a thriving relationship is having adventures together, even difficult ones. Boy, we have this down. We have lived in 9 different houses in 5 different cities in our 11 years of marriage. We have decided to follow our hearts, our passion, and what we feel to be our life callings against surmounting odds. We have survived and had beautiful moments even in very challenging circumstances. 

People we meet don’t often know all that we have been through together. They didn’t know us in our dark and difficult moments that we experienced. But we do. When we face a challenge now, we do it with knowledge of  the difficulties we have made it through in the past. This new challenge becomes another one we will take on together, and we have a track record. We have been through some dark and challenging moments and lived to tell our tales. It makes me smile inside. 

5) Belief that People Are Good

This one is a big one for me in my marriage and in all my relationships. I had been taught to believe that we are all horrible and awful people unworthy of love because of the bad things we have done. I don’t think that anymore. I think it damages people in ways that few beliefs can. I have come to believe, instead, that we are all made in the image of God and good at our most deep level. This has changed my interactions in the world in unimaginable ways. I now live with the belief that everyone has immeasurable worth and beauty. 

People are to be fully loved and accepted right wherever they are. Whatever changing that may need to happen in their life is no longer my personal responsibility. I am here to love them and accept them. It is only in this freedom that they even have the opportunity for change, if and when they are ready. This is especially true in my marriage. Steven is fully loved and accepted as he is right now. If he wants to change, I don’t ever want it to be because of my pressuring or prodding. 

People are good. That belief has literally changed my world. 

6) Limiting Financial Resources

Working in paid ministry and living several years with one or both of us in school has not made us rich. Never having been in a place of overabundant financial wealth, at least by American standards, has made financial arguments mostly a non-issue for us. We have never lived without all the things we need and lots of things we just plain wanted, but we live pretty simply. We drive old cars and live in a modest home and wear Target, Wal-Mart, and Old Navy clothes purchased on sale or on clearance. I love and appreciate our simple lifestyle and I can’t remember the last time we had a fight about money.

7) Respecting Vulnerabilities

While I find talking late into the night to be a fun and enjoyable thing, Steven and I have come to realize that having “discussions” after midnight leads to disaster. We both end up frustrated and tired and never accomplish anything good. In fact, we don’t do “discussions” well when we are hot, tired, or hungry. We have decided to respect that and try to talk about stressful things when we aren’t in one of these places. I had always been told to “not let the sun go down on your anger.” But I can assure you that it is better for us to “let the sun go down” while we are still frustrated and discuss in the morning than to keep irritating each other until the sun rises. 

8) Be Willing to Make the First Move to Get “Unstuck”

Sometimes I have found that our marriage gets “stuck” for whatever reason. I am feeling unloved or cherished or whatever you want to call it and Steven is feeling in his own funk. It is kind of hard to know where to go from there, and we can end up in that weird place for days. I have learned in our time being married, however, that it is okay to make the first move and show love even when I may not be feeling its emotions. I don’t believe the lie that I must feel this emotional love before reaching out to connect again. One person has to make the first move, and it is okay if it is me sometimes. 

9) Freedom to Be a Different Kind of Parent

Parenting. That one is a biggie. I am a different kind of parent than Steven is, and that used to bother me. I expected him to parent like I do: to be thrilled to sit around rocking and reading to our boys or playing calm and quiet board games and puzzles. Instead, he chases the boys around the house tickling them and letting them scream at ear-piercing decibels. They can play video games and know what Dr. Who is all about because Steven is their parent, too. He can get them calmed down with just a word and he can push them to take on challenges and they don’t even whine. He is not like me. I sometimes forget they aren’t babies anymore. It is a really good thing that we are not the same parent. I am their mom and Steven is their dad, and I think our boys are better for having both of us around. I am very thankful they have a dad who wants to play with them and be involved in their lives, and I am certain my boys are thankful that they know about video games and sci-fi, even if they don’t realize all of the deeper implications of how truly blessed they are to have such a wonderful dad. 

10) Finding Mutual Interest

Finding things we love to do together has evolved and changed over our married life. I love that we find ways to make this a priority even when our lives are hectic. I love that we are our own person and that we enjoy each other’s company. We used to play Nintendo 64 together when we were first married (or at least I tried to play). Steven was a good teacher. It was a nice break from all of the college, work, and responsibility that filled up most of our day. More recently, Friday mornings became the highlight of my week. Our boys were both in school and Steven and I were off work. We found some bikes on craigslist and started riding bikes together on Friday mornings. Those were some sweet moments. I am glad as life changes and grows that we are still finding new fun things to do together. 

So there you have it. These are our top 20 hacks for transforming how you think about your marriage. We recognize that this list is full of stuff that really helped us, but might be taken for granted or elementary for you.

So add to the discussion. Talk about how to make marriage better. Encourage others with what you’ve learned. Together we’re confident that marriage can be better today than it has been yesterday.

What have you learned that has been helpful in your marriage?

What do you think about the current state of marriage?

How do most people seem to think about marriage? What shifts in their thinking could have a big, positive result?